Wild Wild West (1999)

Dr. Arliss Loveless: We may not have a woodshed on board, but that boy is gonna get a whuppin' anyway!

James West: Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a redneck dance.

Artemus Gordon: Jim? James West: What now, Artie? Artemus Gordon: Mind if I ask you a question? James West: Actually, I do, Artie.

James West: That's it, no more Mr. Knife guy.

President Grant: Mr. West, not every situation requires your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two.

Artemus: She's a breath of fresh ass. James: You know what you just said? You said "ass." Artemus: No I didn't. I said she's a breast of fresh air.

Loveless: Well well well, Mister West, how nice of you to join us and add color to this otherwise monochromatic affair. James: Well when your worst enemy's come back from the dead, it makes a man want to stand up and be counted.

Dr. Arliss Loveless: We may have lost the war, but we haven't lost our sense of humor. Even when we lose a lung, a spleen, a bladder, thirty-five feet of small intestine, two legs, and our ability to reproduce all in the name of the south, do we EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR?!

James West: Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to tell that you weren't a woman. Artemus Gordon: I was propositioned by three men!

[Gordon produces a notebook and pencil on wrist springs] James West: You know, you could put a gun on that. Artemus Gordon: Then where would I keep my pencil?

James West: I thought I'd go as a government agent who's going to shoot and kill General Bloodbath McGrath. Artemus Gordon: An armed Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white, Southern, former slave-owners. You'll win first prize.

[Chased by flying, magnetic buzz-saw disks.] Artemus Gordon: The collars are what's attracting them! They contain powerful magnets! As long as we can outrun the blades, we'll be fine! James West: Gordon! How long does it take for a magnet to lose its power? Artemus Gordon: About four hundred years! James West: Damn!

Artemus Gordon: I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the "Master of the Mechanical Stuff"! And I have to help you! You, the master of the STUPID STUFF!

[West's face is magnetically joined to Gordon's crotch] James West: Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, you be sure to leave this part out. Artemus Gordon: Don't worry.

James West: I have a telegram for a Dr. Loveless. It's from his mother, Irene. She's telling him to come on home, stop all this foolishness.

[Artemus is wearing a bulletproof vest] Artemus Gordon: I only have one request: that you aim for my heart, my heart which has loved this country so much. Dr. Arliss Loveless: Shoot him in the head.

Artemus Gordon: We have the element of surprise. What does Loveless have? [They look down into a canyon.] He has his own city. Capt. James West: He has an 80-foot tarantula. Artemus Gordon: I was just coming to that.