Wedding Singer, The (1998)

Robbie Hart: I don't know. We're living in a material world, and I am a material girl. Or boy.

Guest: You are the worst wedding singer in the world, buddy! Robbie Hart: Sir, one more outburst, I will strangle you with my microphone wire. You understand me?

[After singing to Julia] Robbie Hart: I got a confession to make. That song was about you. Julia Sullivan: Good. Robbie Hart: I'm in love with you. Julia Sullivan: I am so in love with you.

Robbie Hart: Gulia. Julia's last name's gonna be Gulia. Julia Gulia. That's funny. Glenn Gulia: Why is that funny? Robbie Hart: I don't know.

Sammy: If you find somebody who loves you, you can't let that get away. -

Robbie: All right, remember -- alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you!

Harold's brother: Little news flash, Pop. Ha. Harold ain't so perfect. Remember when we were in Puerto Rico and we picked up those 2, uh... well, I guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember paying.

Holly: You know who else I think is sexy? Robbie Hart. Glenn: You think the "Time To Make The Doughnuts" guy is sexy.

Robbie: Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon. And while we do that here's a little mood music for you.

Glenn: This is a great idea. I'm glad you came around. You want to do some gambling and have some fun right away, or you just want to get married?

Man: Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to share your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing. Robbie Hart: Well, I have a microphone, and you don't, so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!

Julia: Not porno tongue. Church tongue. Robbie: Church tongue, I like that.

Robbie: When I put my mind to something, I go all the way. I'll go all the way for you, sir. Mr. Simms: Do you have any experience? Robbie: No, sir, I have no experience, but I'm a big fan of money. I like it. I use it. I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in.

Robbie: Here we go. [singing] You don't know / How much I need you / While you're near me / I don't feel blue / And when we kiss / I know you need me, too / I can't believe I found a love / That's so pure and true. / But it all was bullshit / It was a goddamn joke / And when I think of you, Linda / I hope you fucking choke / I hope you're glad / With what you've done to me / I lay in bed / All day long / Feeling melancholy / You left me here / All alone / Tears running constantly / Oh, somebody kill me, please / Somebody kill me, please / I'm on my knees / Pretty, pretty please / Kill me / I want to die / Put a bullet in my head.

Holly: I let him look at my boobs at the Christmas party last year. Not my finest half hour, but it's been a pleasant working environment ever since.

Holly: Look, Robbie, I know... that you're shy, and I know that you've been hurt, so... I'm gonna make this really easy on you. If you come upstairs, you're gonna get laid.

Linda: And I think I figured out what's been bothering me. I'm not in love with Robbie NOW. I'm in love with Robbie 6 years ago -- Robbie, the lead singer of Final Warning -- when I used to come and watch you from the front row in your Spandex pants, your silk shirt unbuttoned... licking the microphone like David Lee Roth.

Robbie: Hey, psycho, it's over. Now please get out of my Van Halen T-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.

Robbie: Once again, things that should have been brought to my attention... YESTERDAY!

Rosie: Well -- no, don't be ashamed. You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I already had intercourse with 8 men. Robbie: You know, that's actually something I don't want to know about. Rosie: That was a lot back then. That would be like 200 today.

Sammy: Their shows got canceled 'cause no one wants to see a 50-year-old guy hitting on chicks.