Happy Gilmore (1996)

Verne Lundquist: Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.

Happy Gilmore: If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

Happy Gilmore: I was on this tour for one reason - money - but now I've got a new reason: kicking your ass!

Shooter McGavern: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast. Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?!

[The audience is getting wild.] Shooter McGavin: Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.

Virginia: What's this about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods? Happy: I didn't *break* it, I was merely testing its durability, and I *placed* it in the woods cause it's made of wood and I wanted it to be near its family.

Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today. Old Woman: My fingers hurt. Nursing Home Orderly: What's that? Old Woman: My fingers hurt. Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt? ...I didn't think so.

Happy: During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.

Happy: Looks like a slight hill. Whaddya think? Caddy: And a slant to the left. Happy: That's 'cause you're only wearing one shoe.

Grandma: What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours? Happy: Oh, she's dead. She got hit by a car.

Happy: You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.

Happy Gilmore: [to Bob Barker] The price is wrong, bitch!

Happy: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too. Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you? Happy: Yeah. [Virgina shoots puck and scores] Happy: Holy shit. Talk about your all time back-fires.

Shooter McGavin: Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say. Happy Gilmore: Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?

Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep. The Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. You're in my world now, grandma.

Chubbs: It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. Happy Gilmore: Get off of me! Chubbs: Just easing the tension, baby! Just easing the tension. Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.

Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good! Happy Gilmore: I am good! You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher! I've seen those fingerpaintings you bring home and they SUCK!

Chubbs Peterson: Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said that I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer. Happy Gilmore: Oh, yeah? What happened? Chubbs Peterson: They wouldn't let me play on the Pro Tour anymore. Happy Gilmore: I'm sorry. It's because you're black? Chubbs Peterson: HELL NO!! Damn alligator bit my hand off!